i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
