Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
