Kareoke will never be a sober sport
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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