I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
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Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I had to cum in my sink.
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