I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
