Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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