my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
