It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
