When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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