i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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