Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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