my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize