Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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