i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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