I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
