My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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