My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
