my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
