I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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