If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
