life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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