i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
