Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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