tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
