Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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