omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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