sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
