We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
