What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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