I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
