I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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