I only kidnapped one of them. chill
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
