Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
