You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
