"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
