Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My balls are so social today.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Randomize
