I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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