shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Drunk walkin through police station. America
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
