I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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