Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So many bounce houses so little time
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
