dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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