Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
