yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
