He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
