I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
