How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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