Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
