I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
