one word: firstdatebathroomanal
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
