stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
she pinky promised me she was 18
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
