So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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