6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
