a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
