i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
