woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
my liver is dry heaving
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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