I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
