This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
