The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
