one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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