worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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