It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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