I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
